Really, didn't you know?
You don't know me, but I don't really know myself...so we are in the exact same boat. The only purpose for this blog (at the moment) is to condition myself back into writing something down at least a few times a week and also to get some things out and "on paper" to reflect on.
I'm not quite sure when I lost that reflection time. Maybe sometime between moving back from Oklahoma to Texas and starting to work again after 7 years "off", starting a new relationship as I went through a divorce, raising two kids and trying to acclimate them to their new life...all while dealing with one kid's learning disability and the other kid's acute emotions.
Okay, that makes a lot of sense. Of course I lost my reflection time and...myself...in that hectic process. Not that I could have really helped it. So many other avenues were demanding my attention and there was precious little time left for myself.
Well, that needs to change.
It's apparent. I'm starting to fall back into old habits. Days riddled with anxieties and trying to control the uncontrollable. I'm starting to hate myself - again. Once you get to that place where you look at yourself in the mirror every single day and spend more time picking yourself apart than loving yourself, you know you've got a problem.
"You're ugly. You're fat. Look at you, you've turned into a slob. You are 31 years old and still don't know how to fix your hair. Everyone looks better than you. Everyone is smarter. Everyone is happier and can manage things. You can't manage anything. You fail at life. You suck. No one loves you, no one can really stand you, no one takes you seriously. You are less than mediocre, you are ridiculous. What is wrong with you that you cannot ever be happy? You can't stay on task, you are not disciplined with your body. You don't show love, you aren't nice. Everyone hates you and you have no friends. You are worthless. You are WORTHLESS."
Yep. This is how I speak to myself. See how much I love ME? Is it a wonder that I cannot accept anything good? That I find myself in a constant state of unrest, of exhaustion? It's exhausting to beat yourself up on a regular basis.
Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do I do this to myself? Do I really believe that everything is my fault? Do I really have control over anything when I treat myself this way? The only thing it seems that I have control over is how poorly I treat myself.
This stuff is hard. I'm avoiding it. I'm worried that I will get into the dregs of self-examination and everyone will think I'm crazy and leave. I guess it helps that I don't have many people in my life to begin with (which is something else on the list of things I am wanting to work on this year). I am hoping that with my closing blog post in December of 2013, I will have a better perspective, a better life - one that is full of laughter and happiness and ME. I'm ready to show up in my own life.
I need to come to the acceptance that if people don't understand, if they leave, if they think I am crazy - then that is okay. It's not about them - it's about me.
I'm not sure when I got into the mindset of "It's all your fault". I don't ever remember a different way of thinking about myself and the things around me, which makes me sad. I should have had someone around telling me how precious and wonderful I was. Maybe later in life I did, I just couldn't see it or accept it. I have a hard time accepting anything good because I am in a constant state of "It's all your fault."
I'm not sure how I will go about changing that way of thinking, but I am going to try. I think at this point, I have no choice. The time for choices is over and the time for change is now.
I'm excited, and nervous. I'm always nervous - which is something else that I am determined to change. By the end of 2013, I am vowing right here and right now to slice my stupid anxieties in half. I will be poised, confident, sure of myself. I will walk into a room and be proud of who I am, instead of hunched over and trying not to bring attention to myself. I will walk tall, speak loudly, smile and laugh and people will be naturally drawn to me and my personality. The nerves will float away into the universe and cease to matter.
At the end of 2013, I will be using the phrase "It's all your fault" in a completely different light. I will be using it as...it's all my fault that I am fabulous.
I have the tools, I have the knowledge. I know the work that needs to be done. I need to set some goals, write some things down in a notebook to carry with me. I need a prayer journal, some place to sit and write. I need a good and quiet area that is all my own. I need to create my own support and not only give up some of the control - but also allow others to carry their own responsibilities and not do everything for them.
First step when I make it home from vacation is to start creating my area. There is a perfect little corner spot in my beautiful blue and white bedroom. I need a comfy chair, ottoman, lamp and tiny table. A basket to throw my notebooks (of which I plan to have plenty) and an assortment of pens, my laptop accessories. On my table will go a few inspiration photos in tiny and bright frames, my books on writing from my Aunt and a coaster for a glass of water with lemon and a spoonful of sugar. It will be MY area. MY space. My sacred spot of creating.
I will invest in myself and in my health and do this for me. And then I will keep on investing.
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