Rejection.

I have always felt it. 

Sometimes I wonder if I feel so much rejection in so many avenues of my life mostly because I am constantly rejecting myself. 

I'm feeling it tonight. Major. 

It's Christmas week, my birthday week...and amidst all of the celebrations, I still feel alone. There are eight other people around and I feel alone, rejected, ignored and not important. It's like it never goes away. I can't make it stop and I can't make it feel any better. 

Let's talk about my birthday. 

Every single year, something horrible happens. Or rather, it feels like something horrible happens. Maybe to other people, the things that happen on or around my birthday are no big deal, but I have always just wanted my birthday to be special. My mother, father, family really never made the effort to make my birthday a special event. I'm born two days after Christmas and I've always gotten the, "Here is your birthday AND Christmas gift - enjoy!" and the, "sorry you can't have a party, we are all broke from the holiday and anyway, no one would come because everyone is too busy celebrating Christmas!" 
  
All I've ever really wanted was a nice, beautiful birthday that belonged to me. A day where everyone who loved me did their best to help me feel beautiful, special, important. Someone who loved me holding my hand, kissing my cheek and then handing me a lovely little gift wrapped perfectly and containing something thoughtful. A wonderful dinner, then a quiet drive home, romantically making love to the person I love and falling asleep in their arms to the sound of their breathing. No nonsense, no drama, no feeling rejected - just simple perfection. 

Instead, it always feels as if my birthday is about everything else BUT me. 

And maybe it's selfish. I don't know. I don't really much care anymore, because I feel as if I deserve just ONE birthday that is perfect. 

I put painstaking detail into my children's birthdays. Whether I make them big or small, I make them special. I make the birthday child feel special. I do the same with my significant other, if you can call him that - at the moment I can barely stand to look at him without feeling utter disappointment, despair and...rejection. 

So back on on track - my birthday this year, my 31st was probably the best I have had in many years, maybe even my life. There was a very special birthday a few years ago where my best friend threw a surprise party for me and I was VERY happy, feeling very special. This birthday was great, all except a few things that I feel should have been better. 

My Aunt, with whom we have spent the holiday with (a bit of a whim, but very nice and very fulfilling) planning an extremely nice dinner at a restaurant that required reservations. Nine of us got dressed up (my children looked SO ADORABLE, C in his pink shirt and tie and N in her poofy skirt that looked like frosting) and ventured out in the snow to have a wonderful, delicious and conversationally satisfying meal at a beautiful restaurant. 

The only thing missing was the connection between my mate and I. 

This was enough to ruin the entire evening for me. 

I put on my prettiest smile. I'm so good at that. I can be dying on the inside and you would never even know it. And I was...dying on the inside on the night of my birthday. 

My mate has said maybe five words to me in the last four days. We had a pretty awful fight, which culminated in him cutting me to the bone and making me cry, and I have refused to reconcile with him until he comes to me with some sort of an apology. I've dug my heels in, this is how it is, I'm not budging. Period. 

And because I am not budging, I am creating an entire ball of Rejection that is sitting right in the middle of my chest. Because my heels are dug in, I sat at my birthday dinner, next to the most beautiful man I have ever known - let alone called my own - and sobbed on the inside because we had zero connection. 

I looked lovely (well, as lovely as a person who hates herself can feel she looks), the company of my family was overwhelmingly satisfying, my children were happy and content, the atmosphere was delightful and....my birthday was miserable because the one person who I needed to make things 100% perfect for me was also digging in his heels and refusing to acknowledge me.

And it continues.

Rejection is the worst feeling in the world. Hands down.