Green Feelings.

Do you ever feel so jealous that you just hate yourself for it? 

I've always been a bit of a master at hating myself. If I couldn't find anything to hate about myself, well, I'd just borrow something. 

I've always been jealous of something. I can, at the same time, be insanely happy for someone and also equally insanely jealous of them. 

Jealousy is a sin, right? 

I am jealous of all of the things that I want to be, all of the things that I want to have, and all of the things that I think will make me feel happy and whole and content. 

And yes, I know, only I can make myself feel happy and whole and content. 

But that doesn't stop the jealousy.

I have really begun to be jealous of the friend that I have who writes. She never seems to have the time for me anymore because she is always writing. She has books - actual published books that you can touch and smell and bind the spine on. And she has more than one. She posts these photos of herself gazing out into the distance as she ruminates about her next great novel. She tweets about this character and that character and about how attached she is to them. 

I can't seem to get through 100 pages of the novel I have been working on since 2008. 

But you know, I have been wondering lately if that novel is too close to home. It's so autobiographical that it is physically painful in my chest to write that story. It's about love, and love lost, and growing up. Finding love again. I'm thinking of completely revamping the story and instead of making it all about love, make it a coming of age story that encompasses all aspects of my growth from clumsy teenager to graceful woman. 

Instead of being jealous, I need to get to work. I need to force myself to sit down and then the words will come. 
I need to force myself into the gym and then the weight will come off.
I need to force myself to stop spending so the money will come to buy my own house. 
I need to force myself to love myself so I can look in the mirror and see beauty. 

Being jealous makes me feel terrible about things. I know I shouldn't feel that way...but I feel it anyway. I hate that. Not being in control of my feelings, my emotions, my actions - it's hard. 

I feel jealous that my best friend has this amazing outgoing life and friends who miss her when she isn't around. She is almost my only friend. Everyone loves her, everyone wants to be around her. No one ever misses me. And saying all this makes me feel whiny and pathetic. 

Probably because I am whiny and pathetic. 

Tomorrow I will be happier and the sun will be jealous of my shine.