Anger Management.

It is very rare that I find myself angry. 

I get frustrated, irritated and exasperated...but rarely....angry.

But lately I've been feeling a major cascade of anger waves. I don't know if I am just over and done with some things or if my frustrations with my own self are manifesting themselves in some serious anger issues. 

I feel very angry with my job. 
When I first started my job, I had no idea it was a start up. I thought I was walking in an easy peasy lemon squeezy receptionist gig and I'd just roll in and roll out and never break a sweat. Little did I know, I was walking into a situation where I spent the first 48 hours I was employed going back and forth between tasking the other members of my office with putting together desks and calibrating equipment to going over detailed contracts with providers. I was talking out of my ass, stressing out, wondering what I'd gotten myself into - all with a smile on my face. 
The providers loved me. The people I worked with and for loved me (my ex-boss maybe a little too much; he was constantly sexually harassing me). I was feeling a satisfaction with my job that I had never felt before. I walked away every evening knowing I had worked really, REALLY hard and accomplished a whole hell of a lot. 
When my second boss came in to replace the first terrible one, I really worshipped her. She knew what she was talking about and while she didn't take all of my work, she took a lot of it. She took the things I had no idea about and taught me. We worked until 7, 8 at night and got so much accomplished that I think even she was surprised. 
I was surprised that she too 100% of the credit, that I never got so much as a thank you, and that since then, I have been basically ignored by everyone in upper management. 

Why did I work my ass off? 
Why did I take that time away from my children and mate?

Less than a year later....after working my rear off, after being verbally abused by one manager, not credited by another and sexually harassed by the first, a position came open that I really thought I'd be perfect for. I really wanted it. 
My fiancee encouraged me. Bought me the most perfect little Calvin Klein dress. Helped me with my resume. Mock interviewed me. I was ready.

And I was not taken seriously at all. I walked into that interview as nothing more than the admin and I left that interview as nothing more than the admin. I was laughed at. All because I don't have a fucking degree and thousands of dollars of student loans from some bullshit college. Let's not forget though, I spent all those years that the dumb fucks were in college....well, I spent them at home raising two beautiful children - the single most rewarding experience of my life. 

It makes me very angry that I was only seen as a piece of paper. And they deemed that piece of paper not good enough. 
It didn't matter what I had done. All that mattered was what I had NOT done. 

So another woman got hired. She was sweet. But she ran out of there as quick as lightening. She did not last a week. 

So then another girl is hired. I got looked over again. Jessica is one of the single most dumb people I have ever met. She "be" doing this and "She's" be doing that. I am not joking. THAT is who they picked. 

Some degree. An education can still leave people ignorant. 

I find myself so angry at work. So incredibly ANGRY. My attitude is one of just not caring. I feel betrayed that I invested so much but my return was so little. It's a slap in the face, every single day I go to work.

I try not to be angry with my mate for not making enough money for me to quit and stay home. 
It's hard. 
He has so much education and I make more than him. 

I need to learn to manage my anger. 

Green Feelings.

Do you ever feel so jealous that you just hate yourself for it? 

I've always been a bit of a master at hating myself. If I couldn't find anything to hate about myself, well, I'd just borrow something. 

I've always been jealous of something. I can, at the same time, be insanely happy for someone and also equally insanely jealous of them. 

Jealousy is a sin, right? 

I am jealous of all of the things that I want to be, all of the things that I want to have, and all of the things that I think will make me feel happy and whole and content. 

And yes, I know, only I can make myself feel happy and whole and content. 

But that doesn't stop the jealousy.

I have really begun to be jealous of the friend that I have who writes. She never seems to have the time for me anymore because she is always writing. She has books - actual published books that you can touch and smell and bind the spine on. And she has more than one. She posts these photos of herself gazing out into the distance as she ruminates about her next great novel. She tweets about this character and that character and about how attached she is to them. 

I can't seem to get through 100 pages of the novel I have been working on since 2008. 

But you know, I have been wondering lately if that novel is too close to home. It's so autobiographical that it is physically painful in my chest to write that story. It's about love, and love lost, and growing up. Finding love again. I'm thinking of completely revamping the story and instead of making it all about love, make it a coming of age story that encompasses all aspects of my growth from clumsy teenager to graceful woman. 

Instead of being jealous, I need to get to work. I need to force myself to sit down and then the words will come. 
I need to force myself into the gym and then the weight will come off.
I need to force myself to stop spending so the money will come to buy my own house. 
I need to force myself to love myself so I can look in the mirror and see beauty. 

Being jealous makes me feel terrible about things. I know I shouldn't feel that way...but I feel it anyway. I hate that. Not being in control of my feelings, my emotions, my actions - it's hard. 

I feel jealous that my best friend has this amazing outgoing life and friends who miss her when she isn't around. She is almost my only friend. Everyone loves her, everyone wants to be around her. No one ever misses me. And saying all this makes me feel whiny and pathetic. 

Probably because I am whiny and pathetic. 

Tomorrow I will be happier and the sun will be jealous of my shine. 

Rainy Day.

Today has been a downpour. 

I awoke to the sun refusing to shine and it has since then not changed its mind. My companions today have been Blustery & Wet. 

My companions today have also been Contentment & Happy. 

I have created my scared spot of writing. I have a little nook that is all my own. Right now I am creating my very first sprinkles of self reflection in that very spot. 

I am not known for doing things on a whim. This chaise lounge...this perfectly shaped, camel colored, just long enough for me chaise was purchased on a whim. Two glasses of wine and a burst of insecurity along with my mate's single sentence - "If you like it, just buy it" and $600 left my credit card and was invested into myself. It is not easy for me to spend money on myself. As much as I love things....comfortable things, pretty things, productive things...I have a hard time buying them. 
But on this particularly evening, with the taste of a cheap Merlot still on my tongue, I invested in me. 

The chaise was delivered yesterday, while I was at work. I rushed home afterwards, savoring the fact that I was going to walk into an empty house and have a few precious moments alone with my investment. I walked into my all white and blue bedroom and there was a gloriously huge box awaiting me. I grabbed a pair of scissors and began to cut right into my very own treasure box. I screwed the adorable little feet onto my new treasure, flipped it over and nestled it into the corner of my bedroom. I walked around it quite a few times before sitting down and putting my feet up. So, this is how it feels to create something for yourself....

...I have to say, it feels pretty damned good. 

I feel as if I have been in control of good things this week. I did not let the monotony of my job pull me down. I sacrificed nothing. I got workouts in, I got time with my mate in. My home is perfectly cozy and clean and there has been good (home-cooked) food in my belly. I have reached out to friends, and although some have not answered the call...I have made progress. I have allowed my mate to control certain areas of our relationship and I have not then chastised him for it. I have allowed things to flow, I have listened, I have supported and I have taken care of myself. 

The true testament of my progressing well-being will be next week when the children are back and the busy level gets multiplied by about 100. 

I have not bullied myself this week. I have tried to not over think and I have done my best to just...be. 

The Long Road Home.

Tuesday marked the official last day of our Ohio adventure and we took to the road for a long, arduous nearly nine hour excursion for Memphis, Tennessee; our halfway point back home to Dallas. 

The night before was New Year's Eve, the end of a long and (sometimes) hard and (sometimes) beautiful 365 days. I have never been big on plans for ringing in the new year. Something about screaming "Happy New Year" along with a hundred other intoxicated  and sweaty strangers has never really appealed to me. My New Year was rung in virtually alone, sitting on the chaise lounge in my Aunt's living room that I'd kind of marked as my own during our week long stint there, watching New Yorker's tick down the last seconds of 2012. Right as they hit the .30 second mark, my cousin and girlfriend and my...fiancé sauntered in to watch the ball drop. 

Before they all unceremoniously walked in, I was pretty positive I'd be watching the New Year roll in all on my own...

..which left me feeling very sad. 

I should have been spending New Years Eve wrapped in the strong and capable arms of my gorgeous fiancée. We just couldn’t seem to get it together. One fight on the 26^th and we kept it going right on up until after 2013 started.

Why do we do those things to ourselves in relationships? Why do we find it easier and more satisfying to hold out until the other one apologizes instead of just talking it out immediately and moving on, happily together?

I have always had a bad habit of not being able to truly verbalize how I am feeling when I get hurt. I am super sensitive and instead of talking about how I feel when I feel it, I tend to just sweep it on under the proverbial carpet because….well, I get hurt so easily. Why bring it up ALL the time? If I said something every time I felt stung, it would be monotonous, right?

My mate tries very hard – at everything.

In the span of two years, he has taken a long and arduous journey on the path to self awareness, self preservation, learning true self worth, figuring out what works and what doesn’t work. He has done all of this while also embarking on a relationship with me – and I am probably the hardest battle yet.

Being in a relationship with me cannot ever be easy. I have a hard time being in a relationship with myself, let alone how another actual person feels. I am needy, bleed insecurity…I have “I am not good enough” plastered across my forehead. I set up endless rows of hoops for my mate to jump through. They get high, they get low, they are ringed with fire or impossibly small to fit through. And if you can get through all of those hoops well…there are other trapeze acts to follow before I will accept the fact that you love me.

How he puts up with me, I don’t know.

How I put up with him sometimes, I don’t know.

My mate is also not easy. Not in the slightest. He is a dreamer, and dreamers…well, they dream. They dream big. And everything to a dreamer is a dream. The scared and apathetic person that lives inside of me not only envies the dreamers of the world, but is also terrified of them. How can you dream? How can you set goals so high and expect to achieve them? And then how are you okay with yourself when you don’t achieve them? Things like that are crushing to a self loathing creature like myself.

My mate has an addictive personality. He will get fixated on something and run with it. My mate is a recovering alcoholic who can become moody, critical, unforgiving. Moments like that – like the moment I was experiencing as the ball dropped – make me feel like a small and scared child. Or like the teenager sitting in the back of the classroom while everyone else sits up front having fun and being engaged.

My mate also has the ability to make me feel as if I am the most beautiful, intoxicating creature he has ever come across in all of his days on Earth.

What damages those moments (which are the majority of our relationship) is my inability to accept the adoration.

I fear that I am killing that adoration by not accepting it. The thought terrifies me.

My mate gave me a chaste kiss on the top of my head for New Years. Our inability to communicate and move past things…our stubbornness…the terrible way I deal with things, it can sometimes be suffocating. We always seem to hurt the ones we love the most.

It has never been that I don’t know how to apologize. It has also never been that I am too stubborn. I think that others perceive my fear as stubbornness. When I am fighting with someone, I have no problem verbally slashing someone apart. My words are my weapons. It’s where I feel comfortable. But afterwards, no matter who was right or who was wrong, I feel terrified that I will be chastised and my apology will not be accepted. I feel ashamed for having stuck up for myself. I should be able to take everything, shoulder everything. I should – after all of the things I have gone through – be able to control my feelings and not be so sensitive. I don’t say a word. I allow the other person to come to me. Not because I don’t want things to be amended, God no…I hate conflict more than anyone else in this world. Conflict settles like a twisty and dark monster right in the pit of my stomach and eats me from the inside until it is resolved. I obsess over it. No, I don’t say a word because I am terrified of more rejection….

…I sometimes wonder if because the world was shifted onto my slight shoulders when I was 12 years old, that all of the adjusting I did to carry it stunted my emotional growth.

I react to things like a 12 year old. I handle my emotions and deal with difficult situations in such a way that most people do not understand me at all. I take everything personally; I remember everything people say to me, I am always looking for the dark side of things. I hate that about myself. It’s something I need to change…I need to learn to grow up emotionally. Right?

On the road we started, on New Years Day. 01-01-2013 (have to use those zeros as place markers) Neither of us talking to one another made for an extremely long 7 hours. When the silence begins to fill up the space between you, you finally realize how much there is. You can be so close to one another, but still miles apart.

Feeling connected to my mate is such a part of me. He does not define me, he does not complete me. He does not make me feel whole or give me relevance. What he does do, is enhance my life. He makes everything sharper, brighter, louder. Everything that surrounds him is magnified. He makes my world noisy, but that’s what I need.

I need to appreciate him. More. And I will.

Dropping the Ball.

It's that time of year again, where everyone sits down with their pad of paper and writes out the same ole' New Year's Resolutions that they write down every year.

"This year, I will lose the weight."

"This year, I will organize the garage."

"This year, I will spend more time with my family."

Every year I do this, and every year I inevitably fail. I set up these lofty, broad resolutions that really have no chance of being taken seriously because they aren't realistic.

Okay, so I want to lose some weight. I have (hopefully) a wedding to plan this year and I refuse to look at wedding dresses with a double chin and these 30 extra pounds around my middle that have magically appeared since I've been in a relationship. What are some actual REAL steps I can take to get there?

I've decided that instead of making broad resolutions that have tons of room for failure, I am going to make realistic monthly goals that I have a better chance at succeeding at. I have a history of dropping the ball each and every year when it comes to those darned resolutions and this year, I refuse to allow my goals to go unfulfilled - which is why I am setting them up for success.

My first and foremost way to set up success for myself is to get rid of distractions....of which I have many. I need to make myself a priority and then stick by that. Maybe if I invest more into myself, then others around me will be inspired to do the same. I do so much for so many people that at the end of the day, not much is left for myself. I feel guilty if I steal a few minutes away at the end of the day for an extra long bath. I never complain when after working hard and diligently and then stealing off to have a quiet lunch alone at work, my boss barges in to chat 15 minutes of my alone time away. I give in to my children's each and every demand upon my attentions.

This needs to be amended. 

I think I will be pleasantly amazed at how better I will function and how easier keeping to my schedule will be once I get rid of the distractions and the needless noise. That needless noise includes in part, my anxieties. They take up so much of my day. I worry about this, I worry about that, I worry about worrying about this and that. If I had nothing to worry about, I'd borrow something. It's not only time consuming, but it's exhausting and all that anxiety keeps me from getting other things done properly and with good form. I need to remember that to have success, I must create it.

I spoke in an earlier post about creating my sacred spot for writing. It's a spot that will be dedicated only to the writing process and nothing else. It will be mine, and mine alone. My desire to write is right up at the top of my resolution/goal list for the new year. I will create opportunities for me to sit down and allow myself the peace, quiet and time to write. The goal for this is simple - spend the first week that I am back home creating this spot. In the meantime, find other places to sit down and pour some thoughts out. The writing process cannot stop just because things are not yet perfect. The sacred spot shall be created, but it may take the entire month to do it (monetary means after Christmas need some sorting). I will still sit down every single day and write - whether it be an hour or half an hour. I must begin conditioning myself, my body, my mind and my emotional state to writing again.

Writing is not easy. Pouring my feelings and thoughts into a public forum are not easy. I am afraid, I am nervous and I am not sure how I will receive myself. I can only promise myself that above all, I will try very hard to be kind. I will not re-read and analyze my blog postings...I will let things flow and then hit "publish" and be done with it.

Okay - so one of my goals for the new year is to figure out a situation with my job that will work for everyone. I currently work 8 hours a day with a 2 hour a day commute. That is 10 hours a day - 50 hours a week that I am away from my home. I make a decent amount of money for what I do, and I manage my money moderately well and my family lives a happy and contented life with all of the things that we need and a lot of the things that we want. We could go without a lot of things and still be happy.

I enjoy my job, but also have a lot of issues with it.

A) It's not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Being an administrator certainly appeals to parts of me - I enjoy the organization and task oriented work. I also have no competition because I am the only admin in the office. But it's definitely not my passion, and not something that I am okay with having take me away from the rest of my entire life for ten hours a day. Who says I HAVE to work and do all of these things that are not my passion? My passions are my kids, writing, reading...my passion is myself. None of these things are fulfilled at this job. My input is ignored, my words have no weight. My position is not valuable enough (in the eyes of everyone else but me) to garner respect. That is NOT part of any of my passions.

B) Little to no appreciation. I am constantly looked at to fix things. I am constantly looked at for the answers. I feel as if I'm taken advantage of and not appreciated - those are hard things to feel on a regular basis. I feel as if I work extremely hard and have since the beginning of my term at this current job. I walked into a start-up...had no idea that was what I was doing, and I hit the ground running and earned the respect of the contractors that were working for us. But strangely enough, I never earned the respect from the higher-ups in my company. I did A LOT of REALLY hard work and never received a thank you, a good job, nothing. And trust me, after the amount of work I did - I deserved it. Of that fact, I have no allusions. I constantly feel like I am a supporting character who is used to make the main characters shine.

C) There is little room for expansion - and I've seen that firsthand. I applied for a different position within my company and was rejected. I don't think I was really even considered, and had the fact thrown in my face more than once. It stung. Really stung. I could have really excelled at that position. I accepted the fact that it was not my time for progression, and settled back into my current position - but again, there is no room for advancement and I fear that the longer I stay in this position, the more everyone around me depends on me and the harder it will be for me to make any sort of moves in or outside of the company.

D) And most important - it pulls me away from every other important thing to me. I've missed my children's school performances, school parties, ballgames, homework time...all sorts of things for this job. And I get that most people would not give me much sympathy because hey, everyone gives those things ups. But...why do we? Why is work so much more important than family? I think it's only because we make it that way. As I said before, there are so many things that my family could go without and still be happy. And I wonder if we did that, and those "things" were replaced with my being there and my time with my family, how much happier in the end we would all be. My kids miss me. I miss them. And to set myself up for success in all the things I personally want for ME - I may need to rethink this working full time thing.

I'm contemplating ways on how to get there. I could ask if I could go down to part time and see how that works. Maybe gradually cut working out and once summer comes and the kids are out of school, stop working completely and be at home with them. Enjoying their shining, happy faces and having adventures every day again. The thought of that just makes me happy, and I can only imagine how I'd feel if that were really reality. Not to mention all the time I'd be opening up to work on my writing, and work on myself. The important things.

A job that's going nowhere is really not all that important. 

So, I'll be chatting about my goals for the New Year pretty often. They are going to be part of what defines my year and defines my time. I'm working on a list with things kind of mapped out; I've always worked better when working off a list.

Once that ball drops on New Years Eve, I'll be catching it and keeping it off the ground the entire year.

Rejection.

I have always felt it. 

Sometimes I wonder if I feel so much rejection in so many avenues of my life mostly because I am constantly rejecting myself. 

I'm feeling it tonight. Major. 

It's Christmas week, my birthday week...and amidst all of the celebrations, I still feel alone. There are eight other people around and I feel alone, rejected, ignored and not important. It's like it never goes away. I can't make it stop and I can't make it feel any better. 

Let's talk about my birthday. 

Every single year, something horrible happens. Or rather, it feels like something horrible happens. Maybe to other people, the things that happen on or around my birthday are no big deal, but I have always just wanted my birthday to be special. My mother, father, family really never made the effort to make my birthday a special event. I'm born two days after Christmas and I've always gotten the, "Here is your birthday AND Christmas gift - enjoy!" and the, "sorry you can't have a party, we are all broke from the holiday and anyway, no one would come because everyone is too busy celebrating Christmas!" 
  
All I've ever really wanted was a nice, beautiful birthday that belonged to me. A day where everyone who loved me did their best to help me feel beautiful, special, important. Someone who loved me holding my hand, kissing my cheek and then handing me a lovely little gift wrapped perfectly and containing something thoughtful. A wonderful dinner, then a quiet drive home, romantically making love to the person I love and falling asleep in their arms to the sound of their breathing. No nonsense, no drama, no feeling rejected - just simple perfection. 

Instead, it always feels as if my birthday is about everything else BUT me. 

And maybe it's selfish. I don't know. I don't really much care anymore, because I feel as if I deserve just ONE birthday that is perfect. 

I put painstaking detail into my children's birthdays. Whether I make them big or small, I make them special. I make the birthday child feel special. I do the same with my significant other, if you can call him that - at the moment I can barely stand to look at him without feeling utter disappointment, despair and...rejection. 

So back on on track - my birthday this year, my 31st was probably the best I have had in many years, maybe even my life. There was a very special birthday a few years ago where my best friend threw a surprise party for me and I was VERY happy, feeling very special. This birthday was great, all except a few things that I feel should have been better. 

My Aunt, with whom we have spent the holiday with (a bit of a whim, but very nice and very fulfilling) planning an extremely nice dinner at a restaurant that required reservations. Nine of us got dressed up (my children looked SO ADORABLE, C in his pink shirt and tie and N in her poofy skirt that looked like frosting) and ventured out in the snow to have a wonderful, delicious and conversationally satisfying meal at a beautiful restaurant. 

The only thing missing was the connection between my mate and I. 

This was enough to ruin the entire evening for me. 

I put on my prettiest smile. I'm so good at that. I can be dying on the inside and you would never even know it. And I was...dying on the inside on the night of my birthday. 

My mate has said maybe five words to me in the last four days. We had a pretty awful fight, which culminated in him cutting me to the bone and making me cry, and I have refused to reconcile with him until he comes to me with some sort of an apology. I've dug my heels in, this is how it is, I'm not budging. Period. 

And because I am not budging, I am creating an entire ball of Rejection that is sitting right in the middle of my chest. Because my heels are dug in, I sat at my birthday dinner, next to the most beautiful man I have ever known - let alone called my own - and sobbed on the inside because we had zero connection. 

I looked lovely (well, as lovely as a person who hates herself can feel she looks), the company of my family was overwhelmingly satisfying, my children were happy and content, the atmosphere was delightful and....my birthday was miserable because the one person who I needed to make things 100% perfect for me was also digging in his heels and refusing to acknowledge me.

And it continues.

Rejection is the worst feeling in the world. Hands down. 

Everything Is All Your Fault....Didn't You Know?

Really, didn't you know?

You don't know me, but I don't really know myself...so we are in the exact same boat. The only purpose for this blog (at the moment) is to condition myself back into writing something down at least a few times a week and also to get some things out and "on paper" to reflect on. 

I'm not quite sure when I lost that reflection time. Maybe sometime between moving back from Oklahoma to Texas and starting to work again after 7 years "off", starting a new relationship as I went through a divorce, raising two kids and trying to acclimate them to their new life...all while dealing with one kid's learning disability and the other kid's acute emotions. 
Okay, that makes a lot of sense. Of course I lost my reflection time and...myself...in that hectic process. Not that I could have really helped it. So many other avenues were demanding my attention and there was precious little time left for myself. 

Well, that needs to change. 

It's apparent. I'm starting to fall back into old habits. Days riddled with anxieties and trying to control the uncontrollable. I'm starting to hate myself - again. Once you get to that place where you look at yourself in the mirror every single day and spend more time picking yourself apart than loving yourself, you know you've got a problem. 

"You're ugly. You're fat. Look at you, you've turned into a slob. You are 31 years old and still don't know how to fix your hair. Everyone looks better than you. Everyone is smarter. Everyone is happier and can manage things. You can't manage anything. You fail at life. You suck. No one loves you, no one can really stand you, no one takes you seriously. You are less than mediocre, you are ridiculous. What is wrong with you that you cannot ever be happy? You can't stay on task, you are not disciplined with your body. You don't show love, you aren't nice. Everyone hates you and you have no friends. You are worthless. You are WORTHLESS."

Yep. This is how I speak to myself. See how much I love ME? Is it a wonder that I cannot accept anything good? That I find myself in a constant state of unrest, of exhaustion? It's exhausting to beat yourself up on a regular basis. 
Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do I do this to myself? Do I really believe that everything is my fault? Do I really have control over anything when I treat myself this way? The only thing it seems that I have control over is how poorly I treat myself. 

This stuff is hard. I'm avoiding it. I'm worried that I will get into the dregs of self-examination and everyone will think I'm crazy and leave. I guess it helps that I don't have many people in my life to begin with (which is something else on the list of things I am wanting to work on this year). I am hoping that with my closing blog post in December of 2013, I will have a better perspective, a better life - one that is full of laughter and happiness and ME. I'm ready to show up in my own life. 

I need to come to the acceptance that if people don't understand, if they leave, if they think I am crazy - then that is okay. It's not about them - it's about me. 

I'm not sure when I got into the mindset of "It's all your fault". I don't ever remember a different way of thinking about myself and the things around me, which makes me sad. I should have had someone around telling me how precious and wonderful I was. Maybe later in life I did, I just couldn't see it or accept it. I have a hard time accepting anything good because I am in a constant state of "It's all your fault." 
I'm not sure how I will go about changing that way of thinking, but I am going to try. I think at this point, I have no choice. The time for choices is over and the time for change is now. 

I'm excited, and nervous. I'm always nervous - which is something else that I am determined to change. By the end of 2013, I am vowing right here and right now to slice my stupid anxieties in half. I will be poised, confident, sure of myself. I will walk into a room and be proud of who I am, instead of hunched over and trying not to bring attention to myself. I will walk tall, speak loudly, smile and laugh and people will be naturally drawn to me and my personality. The nerves will float away into the universe and cease to matter. 

At the end of 2013, I will be using the phrase "It's all your fault" in a completely different light. I will be using it as...it's all my fault that I am fabulous. 

I have the tools, I have the knowledge. I know the work that needs to be done. I need to set some goals, write some things down in a notebook to carry with me. I need a prayer journal, some place to sit and write. I need a good and quiet area that is all my own. I need to create my own support and not only give up some of the control - but also allow others to carry their own responsibilities and not do everything for them. 

First step when I make it home from vacation is to start creating my area. There is a perfect little corner spot in my beautiful blue and white bedroom. I need a comfy chair, ottoman, lamp and tiny table. A basket to throw my notebooks (of which I plan to have plenty) and an assortment of pens, my laptop accessories. On my table will go a few inspiration photos in tiny and bright frames, my books on writing from my Aunt and a coaster for a glass of water with lemon and a spoonful of sugar. It will be MY area. MY space. My sacred spot of creating. 

I will invest in myself and in my health and do this for me. And then I will keep on investing.